Mirroring a soul

On the heels of my Best days post, this one idea from the Mothering and Daughtering book persistently whispers into my consciousness. One of the major tasks as mother or father is to mirror the soul of our children. The author, Sil Reynolds, expresses it in this way: “Mirroring your daughter [or son] is seeing her for who she is and reflecting back to her who you see, without judgment or agenda… [this] communicates, ‘I see you, and I deeply value who you are and who you are becoming’.”

I wasn’t sure I was ready to tackle this blog topic, but then a few days ago, I received a text from a dear friend that included these words: “”I’ve spent years trying to get over my sense that who I am is profoundly disappointing to my mom. What fun it is to read about a mom seeing her girls as individuals, and working to foster a deep relationship with them. Keep it up!!” This friend has a beautiful soul and it is hard for me to imagine who it is that her mother wishes that she had become.

What brand new parent holding a newborn baby does not have hopes and dreams of who this fragile miracle in their arms will grow up to be? And in the blink of an eye, this baby becomes a toddler who makes it known that they also have a will and desire of their very own, separate from that of the parent. This can be the beginning of a beautiful dance of reflection and guidance or a battle cry that can lead to civil war for years to come. It all depends upon the stance of the parent. I have participated in both.

A friend of mine who is a new grandma shared with me that the dad of her newly born grandson was frustrated with the inability to get the baby on a reasonable schedule. Much thought and energy went toward adding up the hours spent feeding, changing, and holding this little soul. At one point, he said, “the math is just not adding up.” We are all wise to learn and accept that children are not math equations but unique and individual souls from God that arrive with some traits that mesh with our own and some that will not.

Carl Jung once said, “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parent.” I would add to this statement “or a parent’s burning desire for a repeat performance.” We don’t have to look past the local sports field to see the pain and agony caused by a parent attempting to live their own dream through one of their children. My greatest moments of heartbreak as mom have come when something that is dear to me has been rejected by one of my children.

I believe that the all too familiar adolescent cry of “you just don’t get me/understand me/understand” is a deep shout out to the parental heart to “please just see me for who I am and be delighted in who I am becoming even though, and especially when, I walk a path different from one that you, my parent, might choose”. Does this mean that we will not correct, teach, and pass along our values? No. But it does mean that we will be attuned and in tune with who our children are at their very core – their soul – and encourage them to become their truest selves.

For me, fear is almost always a part of the hurdle in the way of accepting my children just as they are at any given time. The writer of Ist John addresses fear in this way: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear…” My children will walk paths and make decisions that displease or deeply concern me. The less I try to control that and the more that I can acknowledge the fear and make wide the space inside of me for love and grace, the more effectively I can be a mirror to them as they figure it all out. When the fear and attempts to control are at bay, there is much more room for joy and delight as we live life as family.